Sleepless in Rochester

So here I am at 3 something in the morning, unable to sleep. I have tossed and turned, prayed, meditated and cannot seem to maintain a sustained sleep. Perhaps it is because I was so mindful of Zoe's breathing and snoring. Perhaps it was because I was so mindful of her presence in the bed next to me. Perhaps it was because since this morning, I have been realizing how much I have taken for granted in my life and forgotten to be grateful for like her snoring.

We were sitting at the table at Target's waiting for my liftline bus when her cell phone rang. It was the doctor's office telling her the lump she had found in her chest was cancerous. I knew by the look on her face and the tone of her voice that something was wrong. After almost 10 years, you know these things.  After she hung up the phone, the look in her eyes and the sound of her voice told me more then the words could have.  In a moment, everything had changed. We went from laughing and talking about what we were going to do next in the yard, to silence as we both needed a moment to process the myriad of feelings and at the same time noticing the bus had pulled up to take us home.

We were both quiet on the bus. It was not one of those things neither of us wanted to talk about on the bus. I remember watching her get off the bus and knowing things had changed. Little things like she didn't go to the mailbox which she always does. Crazy how it is the little things you notice that make you realize how everything just changed in your life.

We spent the afternoon, talking, meditating, reflecting, crying, sharing the news with friends and family. I found myself having this moment of anger they could not do the MRI until next Thursday. How dare they make her wait an entire week. Then I breathed and remembered my being angry was not going to help anyone or anything.

There was so much in my heart and still is. The one thing I know more then anything right now is that we both must talk about what we are feeling, give ourselves the space to do that, and stay positive throughout this phase of our journey together.

The greatest blessing in all this thus far is the outpouring of love and support from family and friends. I know it is going to take quite some time to sort through all we are both feeling right now. That is probably why I am having trouble sleeping tonight.

I am grateful that our cat Wally helped her find this lump. Had he not stepped on it, she might not have noticed it until much later. Zoe said Wally gave her a "cat scan." I am grateful we live in a time when we have the knowledge and technology to identify and treat this cancer. I am grateful our love for each other is so strong. We have been through so much together and it has just brought us closer and made us stronger.

I know we will make it through this, just giving us the time and the space to feel and be present with ourselves and for each other.  I know she is nervous about what next. I wish I could trade places with her, but I can't. I want to make it all better and I can't. All I can do is be fully present for her and walk through this journey with her. I know I have everything I need within me to get through this as does she. I know everything will be as it is supposed to be.

Funny, how sometimes we think we know how to walk in faith, until something happens in our lives and then the lessons I continuously share with others come back to me and I find myself reminding to go through this journey 200 feet at a time and feeding the right wolf. Do your best right now Sharon, that is all you can do. And I am right, it is all I can do. All I can do is take the best care of me that I can and be the best wife to her that I can.  So for now, I am going to go lie back down beside her and listen to her snore and give thanks for all we have.