Acknowledging my Addictions


 http://www.living2inspire.com/2013/01/you-may-be-addicted-to-your-emotions.html

http://www.living2inspire.com/2013/01/you-may-be-addicted-to-your-emotions.html

 I came from a history of addiction. My father was an alcoholic. My mother was a sewaholic, sewing was her drug of choice. My brother was addiction to prescription medications for a while. I have battled an addiction to food most of my life. But I have also realized lately that I have some other addictions that I need to terminate and for which there is no 12 step group. I am still a “I am not good enough” addict. My addiction to not being good enough goes back decades, more than half a century in reality and stems from the day I was born and was given up for adoption. That was the first message that I was not good enough.  Then I was not good enough to stay in the foster home. Then the rest of the not good enough messages began to filter into my life and resulted in my becoming a full blown “I am not good enough addict”.

When I was in seminary, I began facing that addiction and wrote a poem I have shared before called I am enough.

I AM ENOUGH

to all those people 
who have taken the time out of their lives 
to tell me
where my deficiencies in life are, 
I just want to say 
thanks for your condemnations, 
but 
I am enough

to my brothers who have said that I am not Jacobson enough,
to my teachers who told me I was not smart enough
to the pastors who have told me that I was not straight enough or lesbian enough
to my ex-partners who have collectively told me I was not sexy enough, assertive enough, playful enough or forgiving enough
to the white people who tell me I am not white enough 
and the black people who tell me I am not black enough
I want you to know, that no matter what you say, I know that I am enough

to those of you who told me that I was too much of something
to my father who told me I was too emotional
to those of you who have told me I am too serious
to my dean who told me I am too “out”
to those of you complain that I am too shy
to my colleagues who complain that I am too radical in my teaching
to those of you have complained because I am too whatever
I want you to know, that no matter what you say, I know that I am enough

I am enough, 
because God made me the way she wanted me to be
she gave me enough words to make people feel loved
she gave me enough emotion to feel compassion for others
she gave me enough of every spiritual gift that I need to do hir will 
She has given me enough of everything I need,
to be enough

so why are you so worried about what is wrong with me?  
have you looked at your own life? 
pick up a mirror and 
look at your own life with the same critical edge that you look at mine? 
I could tear each of you apart, 
the way you have torn me
but I know that each of you is 
enough and so am I.

 

Writing that poem was life changing and helped me to acknowledge my addiction and the sources of the pain and begin to reclaim my power and control over my life. About a decade later, I wrote a follow up to that poem about who I am now.

I AM STILL ENOUGH

I am enough

And to all those people who once put me down, and mostly to myself
I am taking the time today 
To tell myself
Where my strengths in life are

I want to thank myself
For all the affirmations
Because I am worthy and 
I am enough

I am the beautiful loving spirit my parents helped me to become
I am intelligent
I am the perfect expression of love
I am sexy, assertive, playful and forgiving
I am a proud Halfrican woman
I was created by love in the image of love and am love 
and that is enough

I am the perfect state of imperfection
I am love in all that I say and do
I am a serious in my contemplation and my playfulness
I am who I was created to be
I am a loving, quiet reflective spirit
I am a creative, reflective, and inspirational teacher 
I am perfect, as are you 
I am enough

I am enough, 
because the Creator made me in the image of love
I have been given the call to share that love
I have been given the call to express compassion
I have been blessed with spiritual gifts beyond measure
I have been given everything I need
I am enough.

May we each focus on supporting each other in our journey
I will support you in  your journey
and you support me in mine
May we both have the courage to be honest with ourselves
As we move forward in our own evolution and transformation
that we might transform this world through love
because I know that each of us is 
enough and so am I

 

Writing this second poem was also empowering, but like any addict, I am always learning new things about my addiction. A dear friend of mine told me months ago, that my addiction to not being good enough was still present, because I was still telling myself I was not good enough to receive. I was great at giving and probably have an addiction to giving, but the “I am not good enough addiction” also shows in a way that became visible to me this week when a friend wanted to give me the gift of a garden and another friend gifted me with a legal copy of Windows 7 on my computer.

So this year, I am going to be intentional about helping myself to know that I am worthy of receiving as well as giving.

Giving and Receiving

I am enough
I am enough to receive the unconditional love and support of others
I am enough to receive the blessings of others
I am enough to receive gifts from others
I am enough to receive the love and support of others
I am enough.

I am enough
because the Ultimate Consciousness breathed me into being
I am enough to receive all the gifts the Universe has for me.
I am enough to receive the support of the Ultimate each day
I am enough because
I am who I was created to be
and am where I am supposed to be in this journey.

I am enough
to receive messages from the Universe
to receive a garden which produces fruits and vegetables
to receive blessings
to receive unconditional love.
all because I am enough.

I am enough to give
but I am also enough to receive
I am enough.

Help us Grow!