Filling the Hole

Dear Ultimate Consciousness,

This morning I was reading a devotional by Iyanla Vanzant about the holes in our life. She asked us to consider how or if we filled the holes. It got me thinking about all the holes I have experienced in my life and how you have helped me to climb out of them and then fill them with love and positive energy. It also got me thinking about all the lessons I have learned about myself in the process of climbing out of them.

One of the holes that I have been dealing with most recently was the hole that was created when I was five years old and had a traumatic experience while having blood drawn. I cannot remember how many times they tried to draw blood, but what I do remember was that with each failed attempt I became increasingly terrified, which made it even harder for them to draw the blood. Eventually, my mother had to take me to the hospital, where they sedated me so that they could successfully draw the blood. Ever since then the hole has been filled with a paralyzing fear. Over the last several years, it has gotten better. I moved from a place where my parents used to carry me and hold me to have my blood drawn, reassuring me the whole time it was going to be ok. It was always a challenge and those who were drawing the blood knew they had better get it on the first stick or there was not a second chance for them.

As an adult, that fear did not go away. I went because I had to go, but that fear evidenced itself in different ways. I would pass out or throw up or both. So they would have me lie down and make sure I was okay before I left. It is only the last few years as I have been intentional about praying and telling my inner child that it was going to be okay, that the paralyzing fear has disappeared. Yesterday, I had my blood drawn and while it hurt, she did get it on one stick and my inner child while scared trusted me enough to protect her and I gave her permission for tears to flow out and then rewarded her with a nap when we got home for her hard work.

This is just one of the holes in my life, but I am realizing that over the last 50 years I have been very slowly climbing out of it and filling it with memories of doing this with increasingly less fear. So now, the hole, which once felt deep, is more like a dent in the road, which I can easily walk over. One of the things which I am mindful of that has helped me is beginning a few days before to set the intention that it is going to be an awesome time. I can accept that the hole was there at one point in time in my life, but now I am intentionally filling it with the courage and strength I have acquired as I have climbed my way out of it.

Each day I have the opportunity to fill holes in my life. There are times when a relationship has ended that I have felt this hole of pain, but over time, I have realized that I have a choice about how I fill it. I think that is what I love most about my relationship with you is that you give me the freedom to choose how I am going to fill the holes and you do not expect me to fill them overnight. You give me the time to fill them one shovel at a time. Before I know it I have filled the hole and rather then it be filled with pain, anger, hatred, etc., it is now filled with loving memories and decorated in a way that brightens my life, not darkens it.

So today, I just wanted to thank you for all the holes in my life, what I have learned from digging my way out of them, and for the shovels you have blessed me with to fill them with love, light, and positive energy and memories.