Week 9, Day 3 – Transitions

The choices for today were:

1. use gazing into the waters and recall experiences in your life that required an ending. Write the endings in your life down in the best chronological order you can. you might start with ending time at home with mom and beginning school. You might remember the ending of being the only child. perhaps there was a pet’s death or a departure of a parent. The first baby-sitter. The first time you realized you weren’t most important. incidences on a team or at school. Move on to when you first left home and your endings in school, relationships, and jobs. Recall what you felt and what your mindset was.
2. write down the answers to these questions: how have I handled endings in the past? What was good or difficult about that style? How are my feelings the same today? How is this statement different? how am I different? what options do I have? What would be best for me to do if I followed the teachings of my wise voice? what affirmations might I write out for myself and practice?
3. compare your life to that of your same sex parent. What was your parent doing at your age today? What are the similarities? Go through the transition times in your life and see if there are some corresponding teachings and feelings. how are you like and not like this person write about this?

My list of endings         

Year	Endings
1956	My relationship with my birth parents was terminated. I don’t remember what I felt or what my mindset was. I learned when I was in my late 40’s that my birth mother and I both almost died in childbirth. My guess is that it was a pretty traumatic time for my brith mother and I
1957	My relationship with my foster parents was terminated. I don’t remember what I felt or what my mindset was. I can only imagine that I was wondering what was happening to me.  why was I leaving the arms of the people who used to dance with me in their arms and sing songs to me. why did these new people look so different.
1960	My attending Mrs. Clendenning’s Nursery School ended. J I don’t remember what I felt exactly, but my guess is I was excited as I wasn’t crazy about going there and I hated Jessie who peed on me because I would not kiss him and then I got suspended from nursery school for punching him for peeing on me.
1961	The end of my being an only child – mark was born. I remember being excited that he was being born. That was short lived because he was a royal pain.  he cried and screamed all the time and peed on me the first time I tried to help change his diaper L.
1961	My staying at home with my mom came to an end – started kindergarten. I don’t remember much about this time, just walking with my mom to Spring Garden Elementary school.
1963	My relationship with Vivi Jackson ended when her parents were relocated. She was my best friend. I remember crying for days after she left.
1968	My days at Spring Garden Elementary School ended. I think I was hoping for better things to come with Middle School. I was not very popular in Elementary School, at least from what I remember. Maybe that is because I learned how to stand up for my rights early in my life.
1970	My days at Franklin Jr High School ended. I do not remember much about this time period except it was when I was told that I should never come to the choir class. the teacher told me I had one of the worst voices he had ever heard and he could not do anything with me. I also remember my mother making me all my clothes because my dad was no longer working and we could not afford store bought clothes.  Everyone made fun of my clothes and that
1974	My days at Nutley Sr High ended. I was glad to be done. It was definitely not the best four years of my life. The only guy I ever liked was killed when he was driving drunk. I was gang raped and then it was blamed on me. the best part of high school life was getting high on the library lawn, meeting Lin, and being part of the protest to change the dress code at the high school J
1975	My first lesbian relationship ended when Lin was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. I was devastated. I think things would have been easier if I had been able to talk about our relationship, but nobody knew.
1976	My best friends were killed in a car accident on their way to a much needed and long overdue honeymoon.  Always wondered if they knew as they asked me to take care of Heather, their daughter, if anything ever happened to them.
1977	Heather died in her sleep.  Two years old. I beat myself up for years wondering what I could have done to have saved her. She was with her parents and that was a good thing, but her absence left a hole in my heart.
1977	My sense of self ended the day I married Steven. Gave into parental pressure and fear of one more person in my life dying. What was I thinking. this was followed by years of abuse.
1982	Marriage to Steven ended. Whoo hoo!  Free at last.  free at last.
1983	Finished my bachelor’s degree in theatre at Texas Woman’s University.  Now what do I do with it.  It is not where I want to work.  I just did it because it was as far away from accounting as I could go in the program book.  Accounting is where my parents wanted me to be.  theatre was an act of resistance.
1990	Finished my masters work. so glad to be done.  went through way too many thesis chairs, felt manipulated into writing a paper I had no interest in. was not strong enough to stand up for myself and it seemed useless. The best thing was that I met my lifelong friend Jeanette
1991	My relationship with Vicky ended. I am not sure why we broke up. Maybe it was the 7 year itch or maybe it was that her “parents” Jean and Jackie did not approve of me.  I don’t know. Maybe it is something I will ask her about one day.
1996	Finished my doctoral studies.  Whoo hoo. One day before my 40th birthday. Had to face a lot of demons these past years. glad to be through them. the best part of my graduation day was that Jeanette was with me. J
1997	Ended my one year term at brock university. I so loved living in Canada. I was not the right person for what they were looking for full time – I was just not committed enough to therapeutic recreation and I think that came through in my interview.
2001	Ended my relationship with Lu. Actually she ended it with me. God told her to. it was devastating. Way too many changes going on at one time.
2001	My mother passed away. I knew she was going to pass away. So grateful I was able to give her a homegoing service that was worthy of who she was. She taught me so much about love. I miss her more than I can ever begin to describe. I look at her picture everyday.
2005	My father passed away. To this day, I still miss my father. he was not always what I needed him to be, but the last few years of his life he was my best friend and my cheerleader. So glad he told me what he wanted at his funeral and I was able to give him what he wanted. He and my mom gave me so much. I miss them both dearly.
2005	Zoe’s mom passed away. Being at the foot of her bed and hearing her speak to me in my spirit was a life changing event. It was the first time I had been with someone when they passed away.
2005	Finished my m.div studies at crcds – whoo hoo!  Zoe was with me!  always has been, always will be.  what a great day in some respects and a sad day in others. wish my dad had been there
2005	Ralph died. Had to put my old man to sleep.  I didn’t want to do that. nobody will ever take ralph’s place, but he was skin and bones and it was time. he deserved not to suffer anymore.
2006	Lost use of my right leg and the ability to drive L. I still grieve my independence.  Oh what I would give for a hand controlled van and the freedom to go where I want when I want. One of these days this too will come
2006	Samantha passed away. I was in a state of shock. Not sure what I was feeling. it all happened so fast.  She was fine and then she was dying, all in a matter of weeks.  it was so hard to put my baby gurl down.
2006	Ended my relationship with Beth. What was I feeling. anger. she violated our therapeutic relationship and my boundaries. Not okay. Nobody will ever do that again.
2008	Merlin passed away. Grieving and relieved. It has been a struggle watching him pass away. Glad we were with him when he took his last breath and that he did it his way.
2008	My knees blew out L I have never been in that much pain before. my friend angel said it was the first time as chaplain that she felt speechless. Zoe said my face was turning purple I was in so much pain. I don’t ever need to revisit those times.
2009	Left the church. my mindset == hmm – so many directions – I was so ready for it to be over. was tired of being abused and disrespected. I think I finally hit bottom. And then began to release, cleanse and prepare for the future.
2010	Betsy ended her relationship with me. still not sure why.