Letting Go and Letting Grow

Last night, during our living the five agreements group we began talking about Bryon Katie’s book “Loving What Is: Four Questions that will change your life.” For me, her “The Work” is similar to what Toltecs call stalking.  As I was sharing one of the stories about relationship from her book, I came to realize that I have to accept that my son is growing up. As much as he will always, in some respects, be my little boy. He, in reality, is now a 32 year old man who is developing his own way in the world and no longer needs to talk to me as often as he once did. I realized I have had to let go and let him grow. He will call when he needs to talk to me and I will call when I need to talk to him.

Nick came into my life when he was 10 and until recently he would call at least weekly. Now, he has entered this new phase in his life and calls about once a month or every other month

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Alone

One of my homework questions was how did you feel when you heard don Miguel Ruiz say, “You are born alone, you grow up alone and you will die alone”? I am not sure how to describe what I was feeling. There is a part of me that was like ok, am I supposed to feel surprised, upset, or scared. The part of that sentence that scared me the most was that I might die alone. Then I was like ok, so what. I am never alone. The Infinite is always with me, so even when there is not another human being with me, I am never alone. I am always with me, so I am never alone.
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I am a Spiritual Warrior

This afternoon, my body is speaking loudly to me and asking me what were you thinking yesterday. Do you know how sore we are today? Heck, it hurts just to lift this one leg up and you did this to us why? Then there is the other part of my body, which seems to be saying thank you, yes it was painful and uncomfortable, but you made it through. So now, you know you can walk through the discomfort of moving up and down the hallway. Now you know that you can train your body to walk up and down the driveway, then to the mailbox, and by January, you will be able to use your walker on the days you have to go to Brockport to teach.
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Who am I talking with?

When I am sitting in a room with others, then I know who I am speaking to and hopefully I know who is listening. However, there are times that I hear myself speaking and there are not words coming out of my mouth. It is at that time, I realize that many of the conversations I have in life are with me. Sometimes those conversations are about things I need to do. Like this morning, I was telling myself what I needed to accomplish today. Other times, however, I find myself critically listening to what I am saying in my brain and deciding if I believe what I am saying.
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Dear Sharon

Dear Sharon – I just wanted to let you know how proud I was of you yesterday. You spoke your truth in love. In a space where you could have responded out of anger, you chose to respond out of love and compassion and help the other person release their guilt. I know that forgiving them was important. I also know forgiving yourself was equally important. In doing so, you set both of you free. I know there were moments where you wanted to listen to the Inner Judge telling you how this was your fault. However, you need to remember that when you made the decision you did, it was the best decision you could have made in those circumstances
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Week 9, Day 7 – Rewarding Yourself, The Grand Adventure

The goal for today was to plan this great adventure to some place we want to go and go there. my great adventure is to go ride the ferries in New York state. I love ferries. We were to write about what permits us or doesn’t permit us to have what we want right now. We were to write down what the world of our wealth is right now. She also suggested we right about how the state of your birth, the feelings of your future, and eh wanderings of today affect and show who you are. Write what you know about rebirth in living. Write what your soulful self wants you to know. So if I were really going to have this grand adventure, I would do one of two things.
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Week 7, Day 2 – Friendships and Family

Hmm, so many choices. Where do I start? So I decided to ask several people I know in different contexts what they like best about me and to comment on what I need to do. In response to what they like best about me, they said: * You are a peaceful spirit. You are funny. You are amazingly articulate and yet speak to people from a people place. I love that you are so willing to listen. * I like you optimistic personality * I like that you are non-judging, and that you tell me what I need to hear not what I want to hear. When I ask you about things in life, you always ask questions in return to get to the bottom of the feeling. Often it is frustrating for me, but because I have trust in you as a friend that you are going to give me the advice I need to hear I continue to answer those questions. We often go through life asking those around us questions for them to tell us what we want to hear, and we go to these people to feel better. I have learned from previous discussions with you that I continue to talk to you and ask questions of you because you do not judge, but you also don't bullshit you tell me the "raw truth.” * What do I like best about you: your spirit, your heart and your honesty * The thing I like best about you is your sweet nature. You are probably one of the sweetest and even natured people I know. Even when people are being bitches, you know. I would be like where is my machete, you are sweet natured and that is one of the traits I find most endearing.
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Week 4, Day 7 – Rewarding Yourself, the Spirit Grows

So today was field trip day and I could actually do this. I went to the local nurseryJ. The goal was to pay attention to your sensory reaction as you walked up and down the aisles. Intuitively, what do you know about flowers? What does your spirit say about plants that must be planted annually or those that come back every year? How do you respond to the tiny seedlings compared to the larger plants? What does your reaction to seedlings tell you about how you trust? I might have to email Janelle and tell her that her book is California biased. On a cold January day, I was literally one of only 2 customers in the nursery. The other was my partner who went with me. Not many people go to the nursery on a cold winter day and there was very little to interact with. Never the less it was a powerful experience.
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Week 3, Day 2 – Stopping the Internal Judge

I have been really sitting with these questions for a while, not sure where I wanted to start. But then life kind of answered that for me. I was going to waif for my friends to tell me who I am, but I had a challenging situation today. Well let me say I had a situation today that I allowed to become challenging. I got a letter from the local paratransit agency today informing me that my doctor had not answered one of the questions on the recertification forms, so tomorrow 12/31/2010 will be my last day of services until all the information is received and re-evaluated, which can take up to 3 weeks. Let me just say that my initial feeling was not happy happy joy joy. I couldn’t even get a paratransit ride to take me to the doctor’s office, who by the way is out for the holidays until Monday if I wanted to today. So grateful for my wife, who lovingly offered to take the forms up there and then advocated on my behalf when they started to point out all the information I had failed to give them. So what did I learn about myself today besides I have great taste in partnersJ. I do love my wife. I learned that I could express my anger in a loving and compassionate manner. I am not sure that I really learned anything new, but realized at a more conscious level how much I value my independence. There is a real difference for me between not leaving the house or using my services, and not being able to leave the house because I do not have services. I came to realize how much I enjoy going out and being in the world and knowing my home is a place I come back to and experience love. I learned that I could think clearly in the midst of crisis. I also learned that I could speak and act more out of love for myself and what I needed, then out of fear and frustration around the situation. I could tell that they wanted to come out and take control, but the love part of my personality kept them under control.
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