So here we are at the end of August and it is amazing to me how much I have thought about meaning lately. It is interesting how I have been thinking about why I have been led to sources of wisdom and revelation at certain times. For example, I was looking for a book a few months ago and was drawn to a book by Mark Nepo, which I thought would be awesome for our book club, called Inside the Miracle. It is a gathering of his writings which draw on his experience and transformation because of his battle with cancer. Most of the people in our book club have had cancer and so I thought this was a book that would really speak to them.
Little did I know that I was drawn to this book for another reason. One of my dearest friends was diagnosed with brain cancer. Reading this book while journeying with her helped me to enter into the miracle that was to happen in her life. It gave me new understandings of my own health challenges and the journey to wholeness which was coming as a result of this opportunity. Read More
Today I want to give thanks for the box from my brother and his wife. I have been sitting there staring at this box for about a week now, wanting to open it, but really just wanting to sit and be with my feelings about receiving this box. See the reality is that I really do not care what is in the box; it is just that I have the box. It is that he stopped and sent me a gift. It is that he took the time to think about me and let me know I was in his thoughts. I honestly could not care about what is inside the box, I am just enjoying sitting here looking at the box.
Here I am 59 years old and my brother is 57 ½ and he and I are exchanging gifts for the first time ever. I don’t ever remember getting a gift from him as a child and I know I never got one as an adult Read More
So today is November 7th. It is hard for me to believe that in some respects I turned 7 days old today. It is hard to believe that on November 1, I almost died because both my kidneys became obstructed at the same time and I could not pee. When I think back to last Saturday, it seems so surreal. I still remember the emergency room doctor coming in and telling me I was in acute renal failure and my creatinine levels were 10.77, far above what those who need to be on dialysis have. I remember thinking how did this happen? How did I go from having no kidney problems, to being in acute failure over night? The reality is that I will never know what caused both my kidneys to become obstructed at once, preventing me from being able to pee. What I do know is this. You ensured that all my needs were met. You sent me to the emergency room when I needed to and surrounded me with people who were able to save my life and restore my ability to pee. Two days later, my creatinine level was back down to normal and in some respects it was easy for me to think this was all a dream, but I know it was not. Read More
When I did not, there were times that I found myself falling into the trap of being a time traveler. I would be sucked into the past and the distorted version that I had created out of my wounds. Other times, I would be sucked into the future and begin creating a distorted version of what might happen. In either case, I was not living in the present and thus not even experiencing the present moment because I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in another time zone.
I wanted to thank you for teaching me how to take it to the next level. So now, when I find myself reacting emotionally, I just stop and say this is what I am feeling and this is my truth. I am reacting to my truth and opening the door to my healing. I then do the healing work and then do something to celebrate the work I have done. We all have to be paid for our hard work J Read More
This last week I was reminded why it is so important to have someone to ask you questions, which hold a mirror up to your life in a new way. It wasn’t even that it was a question; it was more of an assignment. It wasn’t even the assignment; it was me and what I saw and came to understand about my life. I came to realize that my spinal problems all began during the time in my life when my support system began to disappear and the less supported I felt, the more problems I began to experience with my back and knees. Read More
other day I was going through some of my old poetry and found a poem I had
written years ago, actually more like decades ago. I called it Afraid. I am not
sure why it spoke to me. Perhaps it is because a friend asked me the other day
what I am afraid of. So that question amongst others is what I have been
meditating about this week. Sometimes I wish my brain would not be so deep and
reflective, but that is how I am choosing to be at this time in my journey. Read More
This afternoon, my body is speaking loudly to me and asking me what were you thinking yesterday. Do you know how sore we are today? Heck, it hurts just to lift this one leg up and you did this to us why? Then there is the other part of my body, which seems to be saying thank you, yes it was painful and uncomfortable, but you made it through. So now, you know you can walk through the discomfort of moving up and down the hallway. Now you know that you can train your body to walk up and down the driveway, then to the mailbox, and by January, you will be able to use your walker on the days you have to go to Brockport to teach. Read More
The other morning, I found myself hearing this song from my past, how do you heal a broken heart? As I listened to it, I came to realize that it has been a while since my heart had been broken, at least in a relationship. So I am sitting here glancing at my wife and partner in life of 11 years now and realizing just how blessed I am to have so much love in my life. I never thought I would find someone to share my life with who would love me unconditionally for who I am. I am so grateful the Universe found a way of bringing us together across the miles. Read More
Tonight has been one of those nights when I have been reminded of how powerless and out of control, I am. It has been one of those nights when the only thing I can do is stand on my faith and know that the Infinite will work it all out. It has been one of those nights when all I can do is pray. Being a parent has its moments of deep joy and those moments where all one can do is stand on one’s faith and know that everything is going to be ok. My son, Nicholas adopted me about 19 years ago. He gave birth to our relationship in his heart and while legally we will never be related, don’t ever try to tell him I am not his mom, because he will tell you how wrong you are in a heartbeat. He has had one of those lives that would make a lifetime made for TV movie and not in a good way. He has lived through more things then you could ever wish upon anyone and yet in the midst of it all, he has managed to stay surrounded by messengers of love who have used their gifts to help him heal, grow and evolve to the young man he is today. Read More
I have to laugh on these day 7 days as we are supposed to take ourselves to these outdoor places. However, as it is winter and I have no para-transit services for a few more weeks, I kind of have to improvise and be creative.
For today, we were supposed to take ourselves to a body of water and ask the water to pour its wisdom over us. Use streaming to learn from water’s qualities what you need to live with. Cluster about something living in water. Dialogue with the teacher of the water.
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Ah well I can kill two birds with one stone and take a shower. I love showers. Turn the lights on, Zoë will yell down the hallway. I love taking showers in the dark at times – ok, so at this point in the day, it is not exactly like dark, but the water sounds differently when I am showering with the lights off then when they are on. Not sure why that is, it just sounds different. Maybe with the lights on I am thinking more about why I am there Read More